if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
*checks Timeline*…
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP