My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
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my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”