* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
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Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
FINE, I WON’T.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.