If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
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I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Me driving through Toronto
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
When I said I liked it rough.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁