“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
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A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
o shit
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no