Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
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My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.