If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
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When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is