professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
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Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”