me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
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But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.