If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
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I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts