Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Who chose this font
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Rooting for the overdog
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.