“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
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Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
plums roundup
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I’m not proud