You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”