[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
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Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
When can I start eating bats again.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”