I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
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[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I feel seen
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop