If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
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Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
PLOT TWIST:
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.