I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
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Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
me before I type out affect or effect
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped