son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
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Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Welcome to the stomach
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I really had high hopes for this year though
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.