The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Velcrow
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.