[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
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oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
fair
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.