If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
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when you don’t want to be too vague
Good news
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program