My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
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me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My teenage children choosing violence
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Oh we’ve met.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]