I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
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My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.