“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
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“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!