I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
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Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills