If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
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They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Oh no
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON