Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
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@funTweeters
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.