-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
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[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time