Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
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if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
The old gods are rising again.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.