“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
You Might Also Like
That 👊
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.