[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
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Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit