Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
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Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.