*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
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All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.