Every work meeting this week
You Might Also Like
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*pronounces patio like ratio
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.