What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
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When I laugh on my period
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
SF is the wild wild west man
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.