16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
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people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.