6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.