When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
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no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”