Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…