You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
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me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.