You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
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*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.