How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
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Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.