Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
You Might Also Like
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I can’t stop watching this.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.