Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
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*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
new wife guy just dropped
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Poetry is my passion
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior