These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
You Might Also Like
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Accurate
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
awkward
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”