don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
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If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Attacked by a mop.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
dream blunt rotation
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Always…
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.