These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
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Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Oh deer
this is the greatest thing ever
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
necessity is the mother of invention
Whisper out to librarians!
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Don’t talk down to me
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value