My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
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Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad