How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
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The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Who needs an Air Fryer?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”