If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
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Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless